I knew I could return to work if the need arose. If I were to file for divorce, would my husband have to … It should mean that both partners believe in the importance of one parent staying home. What makes it worse is that I tend to be quite driven, and my husband is pretty passionless in his career pursuits and small-minded in his vision of the future. Our investments at the time totaled over $1 million. A lot of codependent partners feel anxiety … I’m lucky to live without any financial needs, and I wouldn’t trade in this relationship for more money. As a writer and illustrator, Audrey creates empowering content to help women love who they are, and overcome the widespread illness of fear. But their life choices tell a different story. How does it feel to be financially dependent on my husband? I'm a college student with one more year to go. I have plenty of friends who are teachers and social workers. I was dependent long before I became a stay-at-home mom. I am as much dependent on my husband as he is dependent on me. Am I selling out to an outdated, patriarchal setup by allowing my guy to be the main bread winner in our relationship? Young women today have jobs, paychecks and interesting goals. I am homeschooling our seven children, and I work hard at home, but I still feel awful. You don’t want to pause your career until you feel confident about your finances. Sometimes it feels that way, but then it’s important for me to remember that nothing good ever comes from being anti-man just because you’re pro-woman. There is no reason you cannot step into a career later in life. I was really excited to receive my degree and go on to graduate school. Terms of Service, I’m Financially Dependent On My Partner And It Sucks, You Know You’re In An Almost Relationship If You’re Sending Him These Texts, 12 Reasons You’re Single Even Though You’re A Catch, 14 Little Things That Look Like Love But Are Actually Manipulation, “Duty Dating” Is A Thing And You Need To Start Doing It ASAP, I Didn’t Understand Why I Kept Ending Up With Toxic Guys Until I Realized These Important Things, What’s Your Hottest Quality? In fact, a study by the Centers for Financial Security found that 99 percent of domestic violence cases also involved financial abuse. Not earning as much money makes me feel like I have less say in the relationship. On being financially dependent on my husband As inspired by one of our featured SAHM stories, I asked the question on my Instagram stories: “What are your thoughts on being financially dependent on your husband or partner?” It is a topic that I feel is widely relevant to stay-at-home moms. Who am I kidding? In the world of personal finance and FIRE, you are not financially independent until you have enough income to pay for your living expenses without employment. My husband and I were separated the last 11 months of the year and our two minor children lived with me for a greater part of the year than they lived with my husband. If he is financially inept, then I’m sure he is mentally, emotionally, and physically inept. I have to dress well. But this arrangement has taught me about my own money issues, and maybe more importantly, it’s taught me about my own struggles with self-worth. I am so jealous of his position. They say money isn’t everything but it kind of is. She doesn’t need to work, but being financially dependent scares her,” says Susan Robinson*, an executive who lives in New Jersey. I have more time now than I did when my boys were little. There are plenty of horror stories about parents who leave the workforce, face divorce, and have trouble finding work. (For the record, there are also a lot of men in that same bucket. My husband works full-time, and I am dependent on him for financial support. The list goes on and on. Talk about a disaster. Despite earning six-figures, I couldn’t pay for our bills by myself. That way, I didn’t have to stick my hand out and get help from other people. My skills are certainly rustier than they once were, and my experience more outdated. There are also a huge number of perks. Don’t I seem like such a fun and funny person in this comment? I never worried about our financial future because I routinely reviewed and managed our day to day transactions, credit cards, bank accounts, and excel spreadsheets. The total value was over $300,000 on the day I rolled it into my IRA. Women have come a long way from helplessly sitting in towers, waiting to be rescued. I don't know the answers or how to soothe the sting of being financially dependent. My company matched my contributions up to 6%, and the market gave me an additional lift after that. You could argue that those women are less dependent on their spouses, but no doubt about it, they still need their husband’s paychecks to maintain their lifestyle. I certainly wouldn’t have qualified for mortgages on multiple homes. Sit down, give the … I like to consider myself a strong and independent woman—don’t we all? Your story is quite similar to mine in many aspects. When something special is just given to me, I appreciate it but it does feel less valuable because I haven’t invested in it myself. Now, as a grown woman, it’s very strange to be financially dependent on someone else, especially when I never wanted to be dependent on even my own dad. I made a mistake marrying him and want a divorce, but everything is in his name, including our car. What do I think about depending on my husband for financial support? Does this lackadaisical approach keep most stay-at-home parents financially dependent on their spouses? Shirley says. With money comes power, and since my boyfriend earns most of the money, I feel like I need to acquiesce to his preferences since, let’s face it, he’s got more money. I looked for work, but he managed to find fault with any place that offered me employment. I have to socially affable. Most stay-at-home parents are aware of this problem. Community Answer. Still, there are also many stories about working women who are unable to support themselves. I’m a capitalist at heart. I wish I had the opportunity to build a career. And all those lovely expenses like rent, groceries, phone and hospital bills? The answers will depend on the reason why one spouse is dependent on the other. Returning to the first line each time I reached the end of it. It can weigh heavily on the spouse who works and the spouse who stays at home. I thought I knew for sure what I wanted to do, and then, at the last minute, I changed my mind. My husband is not the father of my two adult girls. Create a plan to leave your marriage – it’ll make asking for financial help easier. My confidence grows each time I log in to my bank accounts. I’m not sure if I answered the question. I feel ashamed to make less than a man. I feel pretty worthless. When you think of domestic abuse, most likely the first thing that comes to mind is verbal abuse and physical assault. I’m a capitalist at heart. I’m being sort of tongue-in-cheek with this because I actually think there’s a lot wrong with capitalism and consumerism. You’re a superhero for reading all of this whining. In fact, by the time I walked away from work, I saved over $155,000 in my 401k. 5 TIPS TO LESSEN YOUR FINANCIAL RISK. “Is it hard to be financially dependent on your husband?” The same answer applies. They help you through complicated and difficult love situations like deciphering mixed signals, getting over a breakup, or anything else you’re worried about. ... Porsha Stewart, and her soon-to-be ex-husband, retired NFL star, Kordell Stewart. I wish I could start building my career now, but I would have to start at the bottom of any career after being out of the workforce for over 14 years. Even though I have no financial worries, I still face lots of shame. However, I couldn’t gain access to it until I reached retirement age. Shopping sprees with my own money are so much more fun. I have to cook perfect dinners every single night. If you cannot maintain your current lifestyle, then you are also financially dependent upon your partner. In 2011 I left my high-paying job to become a stay-at-home mom. I am a forty-year-old wife, mother, blogger, personal finance enthusiast, optimist, former software developer and achiever of financial independence. I never felt bad for being dependent on my husband, but I did feel guilty for giving up my income. There are plenty of husbands who are financially dependent on their wives.) My husband and I have always been equal partners in those areas of our lives and I think all partners should be. My husband provided all the financial support. I’ve always connected my worth to my financial independence. That seemed lazy, irresponsible and irritating to me. Choosing to live on my husband’s salary — he’s the breadwinner — while I started my freelance business has been challenging. Now I've become my husband's financial burden. Hold on to those pockets of time to do something meaningful that could turn into a career down the road. I did not walk blindly into my new role as a stay-at-home mom. We also saved a ton of money despite my decision to stay home. We should all feel disheartened by this fact. When I asked my ever-wise husband about his opinion, he pointed out that just because one spouse might be financially dependent on the other at … Required fields are marked *. Your email address will not be published. Hi, I'm Jewels. They need to know how to log in to bank accounts, where money comes from, how much insurance the employed spouse has, etc. If your partner disappeared from the face of this Earth and took that bi-weekly paycheck along for the ride, could you still pay for your housing, utilities, food, vacations, and credit card bills, or would your … I gave up my job to move to a different state to be with him. Kids are expensive – and so is life! When I used to see other people receiving financial support, I’d think to myself, “Come on! “I found out in December 2015 that my oldest daughter and my husband were messing around behind my … You have plenty of time to search for the things you love and make money doing them! It doesn’t sound like it, but I believe strongly in what I am doing. Thank you so much for posting this. Most women who quit their jobs probably haven’t spent twelve years earning and saving as much as I did. I quit college when I was only 12 credits away from receiving my degree when we had our baby, and I have never returned. If that weren’t the case, alimony would never be granted to working women. I no longer feel like an equal member of our team. How much harder will it be for her to achieve them? First, you should know that I struggled with the decision to leave the workforce. I want to end my loveless marriage, but I am financially dependent My wife of 25 years takes me for granted and belittles me, but I don't think she would accept a split. Also, it pays nothing. Its a very bad place to be in, i can understand. Audrey Bea uses her life-changing but difficult experiences with anorexia and depression as the catalyst and inspiration for her work. Wouldn’t you? The ironic thing is, if I have to be gone for a few days & Roger is at home by himself I have heard him teasingly laughed at by both sides of our family. A stay-at-home mom will need to find employment before she can begin earning. Exchanging money is what helps you feel like you’re taking an active part in creating your life the way you envision it. “Does it bother you to depend on your husband’s paycheck?” It turns out that I was dependent on my husband’s money long before I ever quit my job. My final paycheck from work included a severance check worth more than $62,000. Financial abuse is something that we rarely discuss openly since it is often insidious and wrapped up in the confines of what appears to be otherwise, a normal relationship. Thank you for your comment. Not a single one of them could remain in their current homes, paying their existing mortgages without the addition of their husband’s salary. As a fellow stay-at-home parent I want you to know that I have felt the same way as you do. It’s time to modern up and abolish the … If you have passion and interest you can climb the ladder quickly no matter how old you are. The previous check was sizable, too, as it included the payout of unused vacation leave and other miscellaneous items. After all, you can’t reach financial independence without saving and investing it. Maybe there is one, but I can’t see it from inside this problem. What helped my peace of mind was consistently checking our finances. And if men are groomed to provide for themselves, then why aren’t women? If your paycheck goes directly to your partner, or directly into their … We also need to stress the importance of subjects like math and science and provide female role models to meet and aspire to become. Lets … Our finances were front and center in my decision-making process. There are plenty of husbands who are financially dependent on their wives.). I set up an interview for a new job weeks after I received the news. Still, I do struggle with this. It’s never been appealing to anyone. Ask to be connected with other women who were financially dependent, who rebuilt their lives. A chronic, financially dependent spouse is not created in a vacuum without your participation! (Duh!) Stay-at-home parents don’t need to invest the money, but they need to know that the money is invested. It’s also true that before I left my job, my husband was financially dependent on me and my income. It serves as the backdrop for the words that follow. Some families make a collective decision that one parent will stay home with the kids, therefore if that was the decision they made together then all parties should respect that regardless of divorce. Sure, I could have altered my lifestyle and supported myself quite happily, but I couldn’t afford to live the life I planned. My husband gives money every time because he knows single parents need financial help. I’m referring to months of saving and then truly experiencing the payoff. I’ve considered asking my husband if we could just live in the same house, but lead two separate lives. Nonetheless, I do love a good dose of ownership and being able to stamp “mine” onto anything I’ve purchased. Keep some money in your own name. I feel that I need to overcompensate for my lack of financial prowess. There are many systemic reasons for this problem. They Control All Your Income. It means learning to see yourself as worthy and valuable even if you don’t make a crazy amount of money. I didn’t leave my job with mere pennies in my bank account. I am stuck here wasting my life, knowing that when the children are grown I will have nothing to show for my time spent raising them–professionally speaking. Well, my employer just happened to announce company wide layoffs when I was four months pregnant. It’s certainly cheaper for two people to maintain a household than it is for two people to maintain separate residences. I spent the first twelve years of my career earning and saving money. I was all over it—that is until I entered into a wonderful relationship and became financially dependent. A reader sent me a long email in response to that post. If your partner disappeared from the face of this Earth and took that bi-weekly paycheck along for the ride, could you still pay for your housing, utilities, food, vacations, and credit card bills, or would your lifestyle have to change? March 15, 2016 at 6:11 pm. Let’s begin with these questions: Do you depend on your partner for financial support? But I would argue that stay-at-home moms are not the only ones who are financially dependent. While there are certainly breadwinning women in the world and kudos to them, there are plenty of other women who could not support their current lifestyle entirely on their own. It feels okay because we have a ridiculously large safety net. I have been contemplating returning to work even though I have been out of the workforce for 9 years. I think that you should keep dreaming big dreams. A fact that I am still grateful for. What's more, financial abuse is often the first sign of dating violence and domestic abuse. I love being gifted pretty things—or practical things, for that matter. I have to be beautiful all the time. However, as Munsch notes, the chances of men engaging in infidelity when they make significantly more than their wives is "relatively small" compared to the increased likelihood of cheating that occurs when men become financially dependent. Receiving isn’t my strong point. We are interdependent. Especially, just after I made the decision to stay home. Most of us have little to no income. Well, at least hopefully it will be. I was guaranteed a small pension worth roughly $1,200 per month. Even working spouses. My skills at that time were up-to-date and in demand. Few would have the opportunity to do so. By JoAnne C. Holt, Divorce financial analyst. I am 100% financially dependent on my husband because I am a student with a 1 year old. I was offered the position along with a slightly higher salary than my previous one. I’m sure I’d feel different if we didn’t. All partners should talk openly about money. Here’s how I feel about being financially dependent on my husband: I am really struggling with my self worth. Do men naturally gravitate to these occupations, or are they programmed from a young age to earn more money? It comes when I know we can pay our bills and credit cards. We are having very different experiences. I’m not talking about instant gratification here. Hi. women earn less than 18% of all computer science degrees, How to Live Simply: My Plan for Living With Less, Know Your Worth: Value Yourself Beyond Money, How To Live Your Best Life Without a Lot of Money. Check out Relationship Hero a site where highly trained relationship coaches get you, get your situation, and help you accomplish what you want. Maybe it’s the American culture or, maybe I just like to be able to provide for myself and having to swipe someone else’s bank card sometimes puts a pit in my stomach. Lots of us think that we’re not making enough money and that our paychecks don’t really reflect all the hard work we pour into each and every work week. 0. “How?” you might ask. I know there are ways to move forward, but I am having a lot of trouble seeing them. July 30, 2019 by One Frugal Girl 4 Comments. If wisely invested, that money could have grown to more than $3 million throughout my lifetime. That might make me sound like an extremely empty and shallow millennial but the truth is, money’s not a bad thing and you kind of need it. When men make more than 70 percent of the household income, they again become more likely to cheat. Being financially dependent should not mean being blind to the money situation. Your husband may have a type of dependent personality. At the time, I didn't know much about financial abuse—when one partner controls the other through money. Every three months, canvassers from the Single Parents Food Bank come to our door, asking for donations. I too want to leave a bad realationship but i am financially dependent on my husband, have a small baby, abroad so isloated from family. If a stay-at-home parent is not earning money they still need to be extremely vested in the family finances. We should also ensure every girl is as comfortable and competent with a calculator as her male counterparts. I recently wrote a post called Quitting My Six-Figure Job. Now, as a grown woman, it’s very strange to be financially dependent on someone else, especially when I never wanted to be dependent on even my own dad. It could take up to a year for us to be financially independent of one another. Also, remember that life is long. How do I feel about being financially dependent on my husband? It may result in a paycheck someday, but it certainly not this week. I'm 26 and the person I am dependent on is my mother. Is a stay-at-home mom in a worse financial place than a working one? I contemplated my options for months. This blog is my story. Our marriage is not 25/50 or even 50/50, but rather 100/100. My husband’s company and his salary eventually made up for my lost income, so I never felt the need to worry about becoming destitute or broke. The shame hole just gets deeper and darker. Could you pay all of your bills and maintain your current standard of living without help from anyone else? You Feel Anxiety All The Time While In The Relationship. Please don’t minimize the contributions of stay at home moms. We are both 100% dependent on each other. Sponsored: The best dating/relationships advice on the web. They don’t need to buy insurance, but they need to know that it has been purchased, etc. If we wish to remove the need for dependence, we must also fight for equal pay and shrink the wage gap. The purpose of this post was also to point out that most of us are financially dependent. I spent many years focused on increasing my salary and saving. You may not earn as much as your spouse, but you should still be 100% vested in the outcome of your partner’s paychecks. Even fewer are married to a man who did the same. Send me an e-mail or visit my website holtcpafirm.com.. I’m sounding off in this article so men listen up! Just click here…. My husband works out of town and she is my only other companion. It’s not fair for women to start behind the eight ball. You immediately connect with an awesome coach on text or over the phone in minutes. Nurses and teachers don’t get paid as well as doctors and engineers. Yes, of course, it does. If you haven’t read it yet, take a gander and then pop back over here. I have got to finish school, and with the job market as it is, I'm not going to be able to find a job that pays enough to live on AND go to school full-time at the same time. Making a spouse financially dependent on you is a great way to control your spouse. I’ll be honest. I’m afraid I’ll end up in a stereotypical sexist relationship. It’s not that I’ve ever dreamed of being wealthy—having enough to enjoy simple pleasures was always enough for me. Probably. Apr 7 2015 at 6:00 AM Photo: Getty. It means swallowing (or force feeding yourself) a lot of pride. I would urge all new parents to run the numbers before leaping to stay home. My husband saved more than half of that amount. For starters, young women are still encouraged to work in lower-paying fields. Being poor has never been appealing to me. My husband’s income was more than enough to cover all our bills and still invest a lot. I am writing a novel. My concept of identity is tightly intertwined with money. At the time, my husband’s retirement accounts were equal to my own. Some amazing people didn’t get to work until their later years or switched careers mid-way. Technically my husband could hire someone to watch our children and take care of our home, but I can’t hire someone to earn money for me. There is no doubt that my earnings capacity has temporarily diminished as my years outside of the workforce grow. Am I entitled to spousal support? As a teenager, I was told to pursue my passions while my male classmates were told to increase their profits. When I left the workforce, I was completely aware of my marketable skills. If you ask women whether they want to depend on a man to support them, most will say no. Not living this way was to fail and to let people down. Both stay-at-home moms and working moms face financial dependence. From an early age, I learned to see myself through the lense of self-sufficiency and strong work ethic. It isn’t a lot of work and if you set up monthly meetings it’s incredibly easy to do. Welcome to my little corner of the Internet. Unfortunately it was my mom who was/is overly financially dependent on my dad. They often depend on others to create and maintain their life for them. I am constantly trying out new business ideas (without any investment capital) and then failing at them because I have seven kids that are home with me 24-7, and anything added to that is apparently too hard for me to manage, so I give up and feel even worse–so defeated. But research shows that financial abuse occurs just as frequently in unhealthy relationships as other forms of abuse. I used to think that it must be so easy to sit back and let other people pay your way but, to be honest, it’s really difficult. And if I fail at these things? I am financially dependent on my husband. Am I letting my feminist sisters down because I’m now dependent on a man’s income? There is no denying that fact. Here’s What Your Zodiac Sign Suggests, They Might Not Seem Like It, But These 12 Things Are Emotional Abuse, 17 Life Struggles Of Women Who Are Naturally Loud, It’s Time To Finally Give Up On That Guy Who’s Not Into You, Why Not Having Kids Is Something You Should Seriously Think About, The More Amazing You Are, The Harder It Is To Find Love, Women Are Getting Married Less And Less — And The Reason Why Might Shock You, 7 Subtle Signs You’re Hotter Than You Think, These New Dating Terms Illustrate Just How Awful Dating Has Become, I Was Emotionally Available Until I Dated Way Too Many Guys Who Weren’t. I will be worse off than when I started. Now, I see that maybe I’ve been super prideful and arrogant when it comes to money. Everyone is valuable whether you stay home or not. Money gives you freedom of choice and power. So I’ll try again. Audrey Bea This is not about going tit-for-tat on who is valuable in the household. Did you know that women earn less than 18% of all computer science degrees? To level the playing ground, we need to introduce young women to STEM and show them how to solve complex problems. I believe I work hard but at this point in my life, my income doesn’t reflect that. They can also learn that saving money is just as important as earning it. I was financially dependent on mine. But the truth is, he never, ever sees our relationships this way so neither should I. Frequently, dependent spouses build up a nest egg before children and then spend it all on family needs once they’ve given up work. You say you don’t want a divorce, well, you better get into marriage counseling, and find a financial adviser for your husband to visit and get real about your finances. When my husband and I got married we joint our accounts and all our expenses get paid out of this one joint account. Still, there’s something truly satisfying about saving up and treating yourself to something special. It is more common for a woman to depend on her spouses’ paychecks than to live comfortably without them. I don’t know how old you are or how old your kids are, but if they are young it does get better as they get bigger. Most of us need one another to pay the bills, so we should all be equally invested in understanding our income, expenses, and all other aspects of our finances. My situation is unique. The working woman already has a job, a career, a trajectory, and a means to make more money. That includes families where both parents work, but I think it is even more important in situations with a stay-at-home parent. However, we’re in the new decade now. Let alone reach FI alone? He provided the paychecks so I could stay at home with our children. ... Now I've become my husband's financial … But this isn't the case with men. Of course, it does. Are You Financially Dependent On Your Spouse? I think it’s valuable to read the whole article for context, but if you are short on time, here’s a brief synopsis. When I was growing up, the values that were instilled in me were very simple: work hard and then work harder. If my husband and I divorced, I would’ve walked away with half a million dollars. For equal pay and shrink the wage gap you know that the money is invested other people yet! Her to always be around, what should I do love a good dose of ownership and being able stamp. Are not the only ones who are teachers and social workers come a long way from helplessly sitting in,... Need financial help actually needed it financial help actually needed it am homeschooling our seven children and. 300,000 on the reason why one spouse is not about going tit-for-tat on who is valuable in the of. Reader sent me a long way from helplessly sitting in towers, waiting be... 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Man who did the same way as you do important in situations with a slightly higher than! Mom will need to know that I have more time now than I did science and provide role... Of keeping their skills up-to-date and their network intact parent I want cases also financial! They still need to stress the importance of subjects like math and science provide! To achieve them s paycheck simple pleasures was always enough for me and physically inept a 1 old... Get paid as well as doctors and engineers on a man current lifestyle, then ’! Realize it at the time totaled over $ 1 million divorce, the... My peace of mind was consistently checking our finances check worth more than half of amount... Result in a paycheck someday, but rather 100/100 know the answers or how to soothe the of. Girl 4 Comments are certainly rustier than they once were, and the spouse who stays at home our... Place to be connected with other women who are unable to support themselves I stepped into that position after for! A trajectory, and the person I am dependent on my husband and I have to cook perfect dinners single. Out and get help from other people receiving financial support totaled over $ 155,000 in my decision-making process %!, for that matter I walked away with half a million dollars that before I left job.

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